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The current year signifies a ten-year milestone since the word “disappearing” hit the public consciousness. At the time, the notion that someone could instantly end communication with a lover without explanation seemed like the peak of rudeness. We were so innocent. In the decade since, navigating toward a significant other has only become more perplexing – an commonly unsuccessful exercise in awkwardness that is increasingly defined by online jargon.

Zoomers, a demographic who matured during a loneliness epidemic, a male identity crisis, and a concerted assault on the freedoms of women and the queer community, faces a significantly more chaotic landscape than their millennial forerunners could ever fathom. And so their romantic glossary has grown more elaborate and more deranged, with phrases like “Ogre-ing” and “monkey branching” testing the boundaries of your sanity.

The following list is a comprehensive breakdown to the phrases Zoomers is using to navigate love, sex and the pursuit of both. To paraphrase one of the recent most enduring memes, by the conclusion of this glossary you’ll ache to get back to simpler times – because where that is, it doesn’t have “ideological catfishing”.

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A

Genuineness – For Zoomers, dating’s ideal is presenting as your true, raw self. Good luck with that!

B

Avian theory – A online phenomenon loosely based on a methodology developed by couples researchers, in which you bring up something insignificant – for example, “A bird flew by earlier” – and pay attention to whether your date's response is engaged or dismissive. If they aren't interested to hear more about the bird, you two are headed for splitsville.

Mysterious girlfriend – Gen Z’s response to the “manic pixie dream girl” stereotype of the early 2000s – but instead of having baby bangs, liking indie music and eschewing commitment, the black cat girlfriend prioritizes herself while exuding enigma and self-sufficiency. (She might still have that fringe.)

C

Seat theory – This signifies seeking out someone who aids you without being asked. If you walked into a room, they would fetch a chair for you to take a load off.

Task-based bonding – A outing where two people bond while running errands, such as pet care or food shopping. In other words, how financially strained twentysomethings do low-cost dating in a post-cheap-date world.

Melting down – Melting down when you feel overwhelmed by life. You can lose it over a crush or split, dumping all of your unreciprocated emotions.

D

DINK – Two incomes, no children. Once a marker of 1980s young urban professional excess, it refers to partners who opt out of having children to focus on their own happiness. Or because they find it financially impossible to become parents.

E

Vulnerable signaling – The antithesis of being guarded: embracing dialogue, honesty and openness.

The Letter F

Signals

• Warning signs – Behavioral quirks suggesting a prospective partner is bad news. Such as calling their former partners crazy, subpar tipping habits, a love of Woody Allen films, a nascent DJ career …
• Good indicators – These traits affirm your decision to pursue a mate. For instance checking in to make sure you got home safely after a date, low screen time, owning a proper bed …
• Odd but harmless traits – These typically describe specific, mostly inoffensive idiosyncrasies. Such as being an enthusiastic ornithologist, still keeping a pen in their bag, paying the rent in cash …

Freak matching – When you connect with someone who’s just as obsessive about films about the WWII or physical media hoarding or collaging or whatever it may be, as you. Or, conversely, meeting someone who loathes the same things or individuals that you do (few things builds intimacy faster than having a common enemy).

G

Geese – A musical group a typical Zoomer guy listens to.

Phantom reappearing – Someone who reappears into your life after a period of silence.

Eager-to-please partner – Someone who is friendly, eager to please and devoted. The rare boyfriend who is liked by all of his significant other's friends, and a mysterious partner's counterpart.

Gooners – A mostly online subculture of men so preoccupied with masturbation that they attempt marathon sessions, deliberately postponing orgasm so they can continue as long as possible.

The Letter H

Pessimistic straight dating – A phenomenon describing many women’s increasing cynicism toward straight relationships. It will come as no surprise to anyone who read the previous entry.

Traditional ideal woman – An ideal touted by online male influencer figures: a woman who is sexually desirable, nurturing and happily domestic, who apparently has no goals of her own aside from pleasing her male partner. Maybe now you’re beginning to grasp the whole “heterofatalism” thing better?

The Letter I

Turn-offs – Random and often mundane repulsions that instantly kill any sense of interest.

“Actions speak louder" – Something to remember after you watch someone else receive an extremely sweet act.

The Letter J

Jobs – These have not been this significant in the dating scene since the greed-is-good era. For some women, a “banker” is the ultimate catch: a fleece-vest-wearing, conservative-leaning guy who will provide (there’s a popular TikTok song on the topic). Meanwhile the anti-capitalist crowd seek out partners in professions they perceive as being staffed by the more emotionally available among us: nurses, educators or counselors.

The Letter K

Kissing – This year, researchers learned that the kiss has existed for 16m years. But the days of locking lips may be limited since some Zoomers want fewer sex scenes in movies, as they are having less sex themselves and do not find onscreen romance realistic.

Enhanced profile crafting – Slight exaggeration. Or, not exactly being dishonest about who you are, but maybe using older (better) pictures of yourself on a dating app profile, or making your career sound more important than it is. Also known as {